Post #47

Subject: “OK, smarty pants, what would you do if…?

I get that a lot. It’s easier to criticize than to offer a real alternative.

So,…

The set-up: I’m the President. I’m sitting in the Oval Office wondering why my intern staff does not look like The Girls Next Door. The CIA Director walks in. “Mr. President,” he says, “Iran will have a nuclear bomb within six months.”

The question: “What would you do?”

First, I’d raise my eyebrow and ask, “Is this a slam dunk!?!” Seriously, I’d ask to see the evidence. The only evidence George W. Bush saw of Iraq’s WMD was Dick Cheney drooling – apparently. :p

Second, I’d pick up the phone and call the President of Iran – I can’t pronounce or even spell his name, but I’d definitely have him on speed-dial: “Hey, Ahmad, baby – how are you doing? What do you think of Donald Trump giving Miss USA a second chance? … Yes, decadent American blonde – gotta love it! I think The Donald told her ‘No more partying in public. The next time you feel the need to party, come on up to my place. And bring that Miss Teen with ya.’ … Yep, haha, decadent American businessman! Actually, I think Miss Nevada deserved a second chance even more – her indiscretion was in the past. But those pictures did her in. Ya got those pics? Well, I’ll e-mail ‘em to ya.

“Hey, I hear that ya starting a nuclear program. That’s smart – oil won’t last forever. Buy American, haha – our technology is better than that Russian crap.

“While I got ya on the phone, let me invite ya over for an All-American tour, the Grand Canyon, Disneyland, whatever ya want to see. And, of course, a speech to Congress. … Yes, I’d love to see Tehran – have your people call my people.”

I’d hang up, roll my eyes and mutter ‘That s.o.b. wants me to visit his desert!’ See, Bush has never leaned to keep your friends close but your enemies even closer – indeed, Bush’s self-righteous approach to foreign policy has gotten nuclear weapons in North Korea, a program in Iran, and a terrorist breeding ground in Iraq.

Third, I’d call the Secretary of Defense: “Draw up plans for a full-scale invasion of Iran within five months. None of that half-hearted air-strikes nonsense, I want to see 1000 tanks rolling over the Afghan border. How long will it take to get those tanks ready and in place? You got five months. You may want to come over here and rummage through Cheney’s old desk. :p”

At the five-month mark with troops in place, if diplomacy has failed, I’d ask Congress to declare war. The #1 lesson of Vietnam was commit the country BEFORE committing the troops. With a declaration of war,…
[drools]….